I’d like to take this opportunity to thank my old friend and birthday boy Mr. Barry Pintar for providing me with some real zingers for an upcoming business meeting this week that could turn out to be life-altering.

I’d like to commend Miss Christina Aguilera for having me and my posse evicted from the only available table at Trend because she happened to “call ahead” to announce her impending arrival. Whenever I see Miss Christina, I always think heaven must be missing a hooker.

I am incredibly grateful to my former boss, Mr. Ben Evans, for bitch-slapping me out of my funk via a recent Facebook entry – which has been deleted, so don’t go looking for it. Ben is proof that even God has a sense of humor! You’re truly one of Hogan’s Heroes!

I want to thank the geniuses at Apple for preparing the iPhone 6 in a phablet model. I’ve been Suri-less all these years since I haven’t upgraded my current iPhone 4.

I want to applaud the people at VH1 for creating the show Dating Naked, which, frankly, saves a lot of time. I want to thank the creators of synthetic pot for thinning the herd.

I’d like to express my deepest appreciation to my dear, sweet cousin, Miss Ronda Schulz. Her inspirational Facebook entries about her life and experiences in the rural boondocks of Kentucky brighten my day. Ronda – when plumbing gets to Kentucky, you’re going to LOVE it!

Again, I want to thank the mother of my daughter Tovah, Miss Sunda Croonquist, the weekly headlining comedian at the Laugh Factory on the Sunset Strip, for making me laugh that one time.

My sincerest gratitude to Miss Julie Minsky Barroukh for hooking me up with a doctor, (who only has a consonant for a name) – who gave me ten boxes of Quest Nutrition Bars that were supposed to be shipped to Mr. Justin Timberlake. So I guess you’re not “all that” JT.

And finally, a message to all of you still reading… beauty is only a light switch away. Bless you one and all.

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