“I can’t get my vagina off the internet!”

Those were the first words I heard after answering the phone late last Tuesday night.

“I uploaded a picture of my vagina and somehow it accidentally went on to the internet and now I can’t get it off.”

The voice was that of my good friend, we’ll call her Valene. She’s a nationally-known TV host, middle-aged, a married mom. OK, a MILF. And this isn’t my first encounter with Valene’s vagina. Valene has a habit of hosting, shall we say, “commando style”. Every so often on the show, when she forgets herself, we get an unplanned “Sharon Stone Moment” on tape that requires some fixing in post.

“How the hell did a photo of your vagina ‘accidentally’ end up on the internet?”

My question was more of a statement.

“My doctor asked me to take a photo to send to him so he could examine a problem…down there, and so I took one and tried to attach it to an email, and instead it uploaded to the internet and now I can’t get it down.”

Her reply was in a breathless panic. While she did, in fact, recently mention to me that she was having some minor, ah, shall we say “female issues”, I was nevertheless aghast at what I was hearing.

“Valene, I don’t think a doctor would ask you to take a picture of your vagina and send it to him”.

“That’s exactly what he did. He’s standing by waiting for it now!”

If I didn’t know Valene the way I do, I’d swear she was recording all of this for a crank call segment on the show. But this is exactly the type of daily predicament she gets herself into.

“That sounds highly unethical. I could see him maybe Skyping with you and examining you that way, or Google Hangout, but not a photo you email to him. And you said the photo is on the internet. Where is it on the internet?”

“It’s just on the internet. I can’t delete it.”

“Val, it has to be on a particular site, There is no generic ‘internet’ that’s holding it hostage.”

“I have to get my vagina down before my kids see it”,

she said suddenly realizing that was a distinct possibility.

“How are your kids going to see it if it’s ‘just on the internet'”?

“Ray, I’m serious. You know about computers. What do I do?”

Talking “technical” to Valene is about as informative as Ben Bernanke explaining to me how the market likely won’t succumb to the political system’s inflationary bias.

“Valene, there are millions and millions of vaginas on the internet. If you uploaded it anonymously to some site, no one will recognize it as being yours. Trust me.”

I had no clue what else to say. Then I tried this.

“Power off your computer and then restart it, go back to the internet and see if it’s still there…”

Those were my only words of wisdom.

“Wait”,

she said in a start.

“My husband is home, he’ll know what…”

and with that, she hung up.

I haven’t spoken to Valene since that night because of all the holiday hubbub. Sadly, I don’t know the fate of her vagina.

Is it still on the internet?

Did her doctor receive his vagina jpeg allowing him to reach an accurate diagnosis?

Did her kids stumble across this lost, isolated, disenfranchised vagina during their innocent web browsing?

And most importantly, what was the reaction of Valene’s husband when she explained her most recent vagina adventure?

Stay tuned…